Where did we go wrong?

Dear Martha,

You once asked me why our relationship has turned so sour and how did we go wrong. I feel that I have a halfway decent answer to that, and frankly, it’s the best answer we have right now. I feel that throughout the years, a process has developed inside me and you cannot take it: growing up. I know growing up is hard, especially when you have to see your child, the one you cared for for a majority of her life, grow up and spread her wings. But you have to let her go sometime. If not the time when she goes to college, then when? Although I appreciate all that you have done, I feel like a great dane stuffed inside a crate fit for our beloved toy fox terrier Rosie (may she rest in peace). If you actually sit back and listen to our conversations, I think you will find that we argue so much because we are often on different pages. If not pages, then books. Sometimes I just take a step back and look at the big picture and ask myself, “Is this really worth arguing about? What are we fighting for?” At that point in time, I assess the situation and realize that this is really not worth my time. These are the moments when I say, “Okay whatever” which cascades into another argument. I feel that we argue over the pettiest things and worse, you hold grudges. You hold grudges until your grave and that will not get you much farther in life. You must learn something we like to call forgiveness. You grew up in a Catholic environment as a young adult, when you are most influenced. It’s a thing called letting it go. Letting all your past drama go. Do not take out whatever anger you may feel on those around you. Because most likely those people around you are the only ones who care. Take out your anger on them and what do you get? You end up alone. Take a step back, look at the situation you are in now. Are you surrounded by anyone? Why are you alone? I assure you that it is not because you aren’t a charming person. Believe me, I love most of the qualities about you, if I didn’t love them, I doubt I would have stuck around for long. I think your biggest fear is letting people who previously hurt you into your life again. You’re afraid of being fooled twice. You’re afraid of looking weak, insecure, and well, human. When was the last time you cried? Over what? The last time I recalled you cried was over money. Which brings me to my next topic. Everything about you is money. I can practically see the dollar signs in your eyes. And yes, I know that money is needed to survive in this capitalistic world of ours, but if the world was just about money, why are we human? What is the point of feeling emotions if all we need to do to survive is to make money? I know you say you love me, and I really want to believe its true. You say that the way a person can show they love you is by what they do for you. But what if I don’t have any money to take them on vacations here and there? Does this mean I don’t love them? What if I myself can barely survive on what little money I may make in the future? Does this mean I am destined to not love for the rest of my life because I cannot do anything for my lover? What I really think is that you’re afraid of failure. Failure in surviving, failure in relationships, failure in life. I am pretty sure I got that gene from you because I am afraid of failing too. Why do you think college is my biggest fear right now? I am afraid. I’m afraid of failing, of being a nobody in life. Of becoming an accountant, or a receptionist. I feel that if I worked so hard for the first 17 years of my life, I deserve to have success for the rest of it right? While this may make my life so much easier, it simply is not true. Life makes you work hard forever until you die. Sometimes I wonder what the point in living is. You work work work and only enjoy a tiny bit of it. And then you’re gone. So what was the point of working all these years? Maybe it’s because I haven’t found my true purpose in life. I mean yes, science is my passion, but is it really? What I just molded into believing that science was my calling? Was it environmental conditions that made me this way? What if my whole academic life has been a lie? A joke? What has all this work been for then? For nothing? For something? Anything. I’m afraid of becoming another dropout of college, to work on the nearest fast-food restaurant. But I fear that I am getting off topic here. This isn’t about me or you. It’s about us, together.

So to make things a bit easier, I will map out the reasons why our relationship has failed.

1) Ever wonder why our conversations have started out fine and turned increasingly bitter? I wonder about that all the time. And finally I have come up with the answer. You just never bothered to notice. That was it. You don’t listen to me. And I know countless other children have pleaded this with their parents, but this time around, it’s legitimately true. I cannot tell you how many times I have told you, “You never listen to me!”. What do you do? You go right on and continue as if you were talking to the wall on the other line. Am I not a person? Do I not have a right to say what is on my mind? Do I not count as a human being? Do I not have emotions and feeling? To you, I feel that I am nothing. I am a product of your hard work. What about my hard work? Which brings me to my next topic.

2) Success. Everytime I succeed in something, academically, physically, anything, I feel that it is you who basks in the glory of it all. You never fail to mention that without you, I would have never succeeded. And while this may be true (I do account most of success to your aid), I cannot help but be slightly annoyed. Most of the time, I feel like I did none of the work, and was a puppet obeying your every word. Last time I checked, you weren’t the one staying up studying for that test, or swimming that race, or achieving that club officer position. Last time I checked, my name was every single one of those feats. Do I not get any credit for doing any of this? Do I not get any credit for being, well, successful? Or are you the one who has done it all, the perfect, untainted one? Am I really not worth anything to you? What have I done to contribute to my success? Have I really done nothing? I feel that you take away all of my pride and glory. What am I left with? How does this affect my self-esteem? And you wonder why I am bitter all the time.

3) I am not fat. I do not care what you say or what you do to make me feel low and depressed. I have learned to love myself and not make silly comparisons with others. I am not fat. Have you seen me lately? Weighing 135 pounds is not fat. Not for an athlete. And not for a college athlete. I feel that a person’s weight shouldn’t be determined by how much they weigh, but rather how they look and how they fit into their clothing. Does it look good? If so, then they should be deemed fit. I believe that you are the only person who thinks I am fat. And I know you would say that other people don’t love you enough to tell you the truth. They do love me enough. They are telling the truth. Do you love me enough to lie to me like that? If I ever get fat, I will know. But just know this: there is no way I will get down to 120 pounds in the next 4 years. And I will gain weight in college. That is a fact. I will gain muscle because I will be weight training at Rice. And that is something you have to come to terms with. Or else our relationship will never work out. I am tired of you telling me all the things that are wrong about me. Do you never notice anything good? Or am I completely made of flaws? Is there nothing I can do right? I feel like you answer no to all of these questions. But this is how I feel. So maybe we both need to change a little to make our relationship healthy once more. I have changed. Have you?

What needs to happen in our lives is change. I need you to be able to let me go on some things, and still hold my hand on others. This is a very crucial moment in my life and I do want you to be there. But if you continue to act the way you do, I would rather you weren’t in my life. I will be handed much more stress than I have ever encountered and frankly, I do not need you as another stress factor. These next 8 years will be very important to me. Are you willing to change for your child’s sake? Or will you watch her fail as she crumbles under the perfectionist’s stress that you pin so harshly on her? I am not a perfectionist nor will I ever be one. But I will try as best as I can to please you. I always have. All I need you to do is acknowledge it. It’s not much, I just want you to know that I am trying my best, and I am giving 100% of my effort in everything that I do. I am not lazy, and sometimes I run out of time on some things, but so does everyone. I am only human. I will make mistakes. I am asking you to learn to forgive. I am asking you to be, for once in your life, a human being. Not a half-functioning one who only uses her brain to make money. I mean a full-on human. With emotion. And morals. And feelings. I think that as I have grown up and you have dealt me more responsibilities, you feel less and less compelled to be aroud me. To nurture me. Well in case you haven’t noticed, I am still a minor. While I am aware that you do need to work hard to make money to survive, I need to know that you know I am working hard too. And although you can’t see the physical results from that, know that it will come if you continue to be a positive force in my life. Right now I feel that you are more of a negative part of me. And I want to cut all negatives out of my life. Do you want to be cut out? If so, continue with what you are doing. You find us talking less and less until we no longer have a relationship anymore. Is this what you want? Do you ever wonder why I am out of the house so much this year as opposed to last year? It is because I want to escape. Escape from my house. My own house. A place that is supposed to be a sanctuary and peaceful. Why do I want to escape it? Because our relationship has turned it rotten. It’s to the point that I do not want to be at home anymore. I am willing to change, but I need to know if you are too. I need to know if you are willing to compromise or else we will never, ever, be the same again. And although I am saddened at that thought, if you continue to be the way you are right now, I will cut you out of my life. I have, over the months, developed a feeling of apathy towards our relationship. But I am willing to change. This one last time, I am willing to put in effort for our relationship to work. If we fail, well at least I tried. I can say I gave it my best. Can you say the same? Maybe it is my inherent personality. Maybe I was born with the characteristic of realizing that some things are not worth fighting for. I want to believe our relationship is worth fighting for, but over this past year, I have begun to doubt myself. Is it worth it? Why should I want to have a relationship with someone who does not treat me with the same respect? The same care? I am not a little child anymore and I deserve to be treated better. You cook meals for me yes. You clean my room occasionally yes. But when it comes to emotions, I feel that there are too many problems and you keep returning to the same ones and hammering them down on me. I feel that I am not treated with respect in our household. And that is a problem. If you wonder why I treat you “like trash” all the time, maybe you should analyze the way you treat me. And I am not talking about physical treatment. I am talking about emotional attacks. If you haven’t noticed, I have cried more this year than ever. And it is not because of stress of college applications.

I cannot force you to change. I can only hope that you will try. Trying is the best anyone can ask for because after all, we are only human. Trying is the best we’ve got. I honestly hope that we will work once more like we used to, together and peacefully. But we need to work at it. We need to put in the same energy we channel into our daily work into our relationship. If we don’t, it will fail. There’s no other way of putting it. We will fail. And aren’t we afraid of failure? I hope and pray that we will survive this test, but if we don’t, well we’ve had many great memories. I am not afraid of the unknown, of survival without you. Not anymore. If you do not change right now, and we do not come together, all will be lost. I will not look back and regret anything I have said or done. I will move forward into the future with new knowledge and be better prepared for life’s obstacles. The question is, are you willing to stick by my side until the end?

Love,

Krystal Lau 7/2/09

the “I really should be sleeping” blog

I really should be sleeping…no really, I’m tired and I got school tomorrow, but I felt the need to blog right about now. About what? One thing that has come to my attention in the past week:

I feel like I’m wasting my time with this Chris character. The Monday after Sadies was a bit (and by a bit I mean really) awkward because apparently he thought that I liked him? Which I did, but then after Sadies and its bust, I had become iffy on him. So that Monday night after practice, I textd him (he texts all the time, never talks) telling him that I wanted to be just friends and that’s it. I said that because I felt like our friendship that we built up over the past month was surprisingly really good, and that was something I didn’t want to lose. So we texted it out and worked it out, and so now we’re friends again. What really got me was what happened on Friday. On Friday, he found this new girl (Courtney?) who he thought was pretty hot…she’s a freshman slut who wears too much makeup (not my words…I’ve never seen her before). But I don’t understand the reason why boys go for slutty girls. To be honest, what does a slutty girl possess that captivates these guys? The fact that I’m jealous of a freshman just goes to show that I really don’t want to be just friends with him. It’s so hard to tell whether he likes me or not when I’m with him. I don’t feel like he reciprocates the intensity of the feelings I have, but is something kind of there? Or will we just remain friends until I graduate and never see him again? I wish, for one moment in time, I could be inside someone else’s mind, to know what their thinking…like Edward Cullen! Oh he would be the perfect guy (but that’s beside the point).

The point is, I am leaving tomorrow for 5 days away from Pleasanton and its routine boringness and into the exciting life of college! I’m visiting Southern Methodist University for a scholarship interview, and going up to see Columbia/Princeton as well as my NY friends who will be a breath of fresh air to my 6 month stay in this podunk town. I think this will give me time to reflect on how much he means, or doesn’t mean, to me, and vice versa. Though I’ll be missing a swim meet (which are always boatloads of fun), I think college visits are my only form of escapism as of right now.

Stay posted on college decisions which come out 3/31-4/1!

Also….will the stock market work in my favor for once in my life? Thanks.

Rejection and all its entirety

I’ve never been rejected in so many ways in such a short amount of time. And although I am very used to not getting my way, it still hurts to get rejected from people, colleges, etc. Let’s see where to begin:

Sadies update: uhhh not what I planned. All in all, Sadies was a kind of failure. Not only was the music pretty horrible, the happy fairytale ending didnt happen. Which is an ultimate letdown. Basically, the date was a good dancer (and I mean good), and dancing with him was fun, but it didn’t turn into anything more than just two friends going to a dance together. And so I guess he inferred that I liked him and he thought that by him accepting my invitation to a dance meant that he liked me too. Clearly, that was not the case. A lot of people thought he liked me too, but I guess not. Anyways at the end of the dance, he abruptly left and I was left confusingly thinking, “…are you kidding me?”  I was a little annoyed, but I had time to think about it over the weekend and decided to get over myself. Then today, at school, he ignored me between classes and at practice. And I can’t say that it was entirely his fault because a lot of it was my fault too…I ignored him. And my coach is a gossiper and likes to exploit rumors so she basically made the whole thing public and so it was REALLY awkward then. But then after practice, I had a long talk with one of my swim friends and I decided that I just wanted things to get back to the way they were before this whole thing happened. Therefore, I texted him (kinda lame I know, but he only texts for some reason, and I don’t like calling people…but that’s a different story) telling him that I wanted to be just friends and I was sorry for the awkwardness between us. And then he texted me back with the same stuff. So now we’re awesome friends again which is good and its not awkward which is also good. It’s a step up seeing as things are still awkward between Julian and I (haven’t talked to him since it happened!). Apparently it’s against his (Chris) religion to do “hookups” or something of that sort, so I guess nothing will ever happen between us. Which is sad, but in a way, bearable. I kinda became less and less attracted to him and time went on and it became closer and closer to the dance. Plus he doesn’t have perfect teeth. And that is like an absolute must. =)

COLLEGE: Okay so I haven’t gotten a rejection letter from a COLLEGE yet but I did get rejected from the Case Western Reserve University 8 year combined medical program. I know that college rejection letters are a part of life and I will get more, but it still is kind of depressing when I get the small envelope and not the large package. But yes, Saturday night, I had already felt like crap and frustrated and annoyed from Sadies the night before, and the fact that I couldn’t go see Watchmen that night, and lo and behold, the rejection letter…that my mother opened! I hate it when my mother opens my mail. I absolutely loathe it. It’s the one pet peeve I have when it comes to college decisions. HATE IT! I get so angry when she opens it even if its an acceptance letter. I also hate it when she opens the letter while I’m at school, and then preceeds to tell me over the phone. I WANT THE DAMN ELEMENT OF SURPRISE WOMAN! Then I yell at her and then she gets mad but I feel so frustrated when she opens my mail. Do I open her bills? NO. SO DON’T OPEN MY COLLEGE MAIL!

I think high school as a whole has rejected me. I don’t have very many friends I can call “really close/best” and those friends can only go out and hangout sometimes if I’m lucky. Usually I find myself at home on Friday and Saturday nights because none of my friends can go out and I’m tired of doing activities with my mother. Even sometimes my mother has plans and is more active and social than I am. Why? Because I live in Pleasanton, the most rural and suburban town in the entire state of California. There are only three places of activity in Pleasanton: Downtown, the movie theater (which isn’t even in Pleasanton!), and the mall. All require money in order to be successfully happy and money is not a luxury I have.  Therefore, hanging out at the movies gets boring after a while…so does the mall. Downtown there’s not much there anyways. In fact, I think Pleasanton has rejected me. I don’t enjoy the high school dances anymore (well Sadies = bad music, and I’m looking forward to ball, so…kind of weak argument), I don’t enjoy going to school anymore. Last year I had so much fun going to class (not every class every day, but sometimes I really enjoyed going to classes, especially Chemistry and Calculus despite my struggles in those classes) I even like APUSH sometimes last year. This year, every class I take seems like a drag. Except choir. I absolutely love choir and I don’t know why I didn’t sign up earlier in my high school career. I also spend copious amounts of time on the internet doing absolutely nothing. I waste away my nights and then complain that I stay up late finishing up homework. If I had not spent that time doing nothing, I could have slept earlier. Why do I do this to myself? It is simple: senioritis. I have officially caught senioritis and there is nothing I can do about it. I showed symptoms second semester junior year and first semester this year, but it has become more and more prominent especially this semester. I can’t control it, it is a disease that has spread all throughout my body, and the worst part is, it is incurable. The only thing that can clear up the symptoms of senioritis is graduation. And the even worser part is that after college decisions come out and I finally know where I’m going to school, senioritis will only become worse. It may become unbearable. And I can’t stand it, but I can’t change it. It has branded itself into my personality. Laziness and vegetation has become synonymous with my name (did I spell synonymous right?). I can’t even motivate myself to do anything these days…except physics. Physics is the one class taht I still and will always struggle in. And I want to keep a B in that class, but it looks like that is not going to happen. And so this entry has turned from rejection to senioritis. This further cements how badly I have ADOS (which I just learned the meaning of today: Attention Deficit Ooh Shiny!) and how I cannot stay focused in my life.

What am I to do? Sleep. Sleep has become my best friend over the course of my high school career, and I intend to become life long pals with sleep and its luxuries…I just wish the world would do the same. Maybe then we could all take a nice long nap for eternity. Wouldn’t that seem nice?

p.s. Clearly…I have no idea what I just wrote about sleep because I don’t even know if that makes sense. Sorry for random stream of conscious thought coming out of me.

Taking initiative

Hurray!!! Although you probably already know this, I asked the sophomore to sadies!! (Chris = sophomore) how fantastic! Okay so this is how it went down:

At the beginning of the season, I made an agreement with Chris that if he let me ride his skateboard, I would let him drive my car. Well, I’ve been riding the skateboard for the past week and I still haven’t let him drive my car.

SO yesterday, we were walking to my car (and then he walks home), and this is how the conversation went:

me: hey so how’s your date search going?

him: uhh okay not bad. I think im gonna hint at this one girl to ask me to sadies.

me: yea? who is that?

him: just this one girl in my grade

me: *CRAP CRAP CRAP do I still ask him?* uhh cool! But I mean what if someone else wanted to ask you?

him: oh i dont know

me: well what if I wanted to ask you?

him: i’d probably say yes

me:…SO do you want to drive my car home today?

him: no, i dont have my license with me today, plus I’m afraid I might crash it

me: no…you REALLY want to drive my car home today

and then after a couple more minutes of me insisting that he drive it home, he says “okay fine” and opens the door and LO AND BEHOLD on the steering wheel it says, spelled out in post-its “SADIES?” haha he was like “well what’s this?” and then turns bright red and I’m like “…so?” and he says “of course I’ll go to sadies with you!” bwahaha that made like my life. but not really, but it was pretty freaking exciting. The only thing that kinda bothered me was that other girl he wanted to hint to. What if he wanted to go with her instead and I kinda just…asked him? Is that bad? I would feel bad if he wanted to go with her, but felt obligated to go with me? I don’t know.

BUT additional news: apparently, ( i found out today), he is in high demand among other sophomore girls. Basically they said that “[I] am so lucky” that I’m going with him…usually I’m a pretty good observer and I got the feeling he didn’t have very many friends that were girls. I guess not.

Update on my new goals: Staying off facebook is very VERY difficult. I feel very sucked into it still, but I am making progress, and am cutting down my time to half an hour ish (sometimes more…a lot of the times more). So it’s an improvement, but it’s not where I want to be at. Hopefully I will succeed! Also, this weekend I’m going to UMBC for a program interview, so that means I will be out of my house ALL WEEKEND. I think that’s a pretty good accomplishment on my part. I have to, however, add a new goal to my list:

- GET TO SCHOOL ON TIME ALL DAYS OF THE WEEK. This is very difficult because I believe it is engrained in my personality for me to be late at least once a week. I just can’t help it. It’s like trying to teach a pig to sing (cliche, yes, but at this hour, I could not really think of another example without offending anyone). It is impossible. But I am going to achieve the impossible and, by the end of the year, am going to get to school on time. This means I have to slep earlier so I can wake up earlier. Sleeping earlier means less facebook time and more hardcore homeworking. See? It’s all interconnected =)

Soooo this means I should go to sleep now. Sorry this post wasn’t as intellectually insightful, but I thought the news was important. I’ll probably post a blog this weekend about more stuff Lit and Social Justice has enlightened me  with. Although I may say that I hate that class, it has made me so much more aware of my surroundings and I am very grateful for it. That’s all!

p.s. Sadies theme: what you will be 10 years from now. Any suggestions?

He’s Just Not That Into You

The reason why I haven’t written in so long is because I never knew what to write about. And this weekend, it kind of hit me. I don’t do anything with my life. I go to school Monday through Friday and then when the weekend comes, I just sit in my room doing absolutely nothing. To be honest, I don’t know where the time goes. It’s a bad habit of mine to sleep in until the afternoon, and then I’m awake and active for a max seven hours and then after dinner everything just shuts off and I sit on my computer and do absolute crap. Where does my life go? Why am I so pathetic enough to just spend my entire days in my room? And it’s not like I’m kept here against my will, I don’t mind sitting in my room or house doing nothing. I’m not even doing homework. Then I’m stuck Sunday night doing all the homework I told my mom I was doing over the weekend. No wonder she doesn’t want to talk to me that much anymore. I feel like such a downer everytime I interact with anyone. Though I’m sure everyone has those weekends where they just don’t ever get out of the house, but imagine if that was every single one of your weekends. I used to hate it when my mother planned a trip for us to San Francisco. Sometimes, I still do hate it because it takes a huge chunk out of my time that could be spent doing homework, but to be honest, I don’t think I would have done my homework. I think I have been sucked into the world of the internet and worse: facebook.

I think facebook will be the donwnfall of the American youth. People are so addicted to facebook that they don’t realize that their life is hopeless. The reason why people spend hours and hours on facebook is because they want to be just like the people’s pages they surf for and endless amount of time. They’re envious. They’re depressed. They’re facebook stalkers. And I’m sad to say that I’m one of them. Anyone who spends ridiculous amounts of time on facebook is stalking someone or multiple people’s pages. There’s no way around it. We like to observe others. Maybe that’s why I spend copious amounts of time on the computer. The internet is a portal in which I look at things that I wish I could be doing, but never have the initiative to actually do. Why is that? Why won’t I just get off my butt and go to San Francisco? Because that requires work and effort. And that is something that I am not willing to do. The internet is so much more convenient and faster than actually going to that place. And its cheaper. But what I failed to realize before is that the internet is my enemy. I cannot hope to become something in the world by sitting here on the computer vegetating until I am a hermit and alone and have chased away everyone that I ever cared about. Which brings me to something else.

I am horrible with guys. It seems that every friendship I ever form with a guy that turns into me liking them has ended up in ultimate failure. I think the movie, He’s Just Not That Into You, is an accurate representation of my life. I am the character Gigi, the girl who has many failed attempts at relationships because she misinterprets the signs. Oh the signs, how they can be so misconstrued I do not know, but it happens. Alright, let’s see…well there’s no point in putting fake names on here. It’s not like the people who will read this don’t already know who these people are:

example 1: Nitin (okay you don’t know who this is..my bad); guy is a total player when it comes to girls. Like seriously, when I first met him, I felt like he was the biggest flirt in the world (that title has now been given to Julian). But we never really had a friendship turn into me liking him. I liked him from the beginning. Maybe it was because of his dashing looks. I still think he’s one of the most gorgeous Indian guys I have ever met. Too bad he lives in Virginia. And so the summer passed and he did too. And we talked a little, but now we don’t talk anymore. Now he’s gone off to college and actually enjoys his life whereas I…I continue to sit at home and vegetate. Fantastic.

example 2: Julian. Oh the infamous Julian. Why couldn’t I just listen to my friends this time huh? They all said his reputation was completely horrible…and true. But he was so cute. Like not hott, but cute. And he had awesome teeth. I mean perfectly straight. And he sings and plays the guitar. Which give him lots of brownie points. But his flirtatious tendencies got the better of me. Exhibit A: the jamba juice incident. My friend and I were at Jamba Juice after finals and of course, Julian was there with his buds. And so, being the chicken that I am, I went inside the store without one glance at him. Like ten minutes later, he decides to come inside and give me a hug. Ah fantastic. Although the incident may not seem like much, it felt like an indicator that he might be into me. Turns out I was wrong. Apparently I’m “a nice girl but [he's] not really look for a relationship with anyone right now.” Too freaking bad because a couple days ago he apparently likes this girl in the musical and now they’re secretly dating. Whoop de freaking hoo. I hope he has a good life with his musical career and not end up like so many other struggling artists: working at Safeway.

example 3: Chris. the sophomore. The kinda cute and immature but awesome sophomore. Who, I have yet to screw things up with, but we’ll see. I think he’s a lot better than Julian was and ever will be, but I can’t read the signs from him. Exhibit A: the skateboarding story. After swim practice one day, I decided that I wanted to learn how to ride his skateboard. So, I jumped on, but I couldn’t move. So then he pushed me across the parking lot. To help stabilize myself, I held his hand (actually, more for the fear of falling and dying). It seemed straight out of a freaking hollywood story. Like seriously cut out of the script. Last Friday, we hung out a lot at time trials and stuff, but at one point, he said “I don’t know, I just think that freshman girl is kinda cute” ( I am not a freshman). It’s probably nothing, but that statement bothered me a little. And then when I invited him to go to dinner with me after time trials (as a casual thing), he said he wanted to but he’d have to ask his parents. Turns out that his parents had friends over and they were gonna eat dinner there. EFF MY LIFE. Freaking, screws me over everytime. And then I gave him my number in hopes that he would call this weekend. Nothing. Not even a text. Not a single word. He could have said something like “hey, I wish we could have gone” or something random, even a hi would have been absolutely fine, but no. But we’ll see how this goes, and I guess this is one way I can update my blog. It will be called High School Swimming: the romantic adventure.

I think this concludes my blogging. I feel a lot better now that I’ve written all this and just got it out. I feel like I can finally breathe again. And I decided that I’m going to become the better person in all my situations. I cannot do anything to improve the Monday through Friday school swim then home schedule, but I can improve my weekends. And so here is my list of things that I should do:

- Go out on the weekends (every night I should do something different. Whether it be with friends or family it doesn’t matter as long as I’m out of the house)

- Limit my facebook time to 15 minutes per night. This gives me just enough time to respond to whoever wrote on my wall (because not a lot of people do) and that’s it…maybe on good days I can surf the pages for a couple minutes. But that’s likely not going to happen.

- Be less of a depressing icon. This one will be a tad more difficult. I hope that if I follow through with my plans, I will become a brighter, happier person and my mother will actually enjoy being around me. Hurray.

- Take initiate in my romantic adventure series. I have decided that I will, in all ways possible, find out if this boy likes me or not, and then I will ask him to Sadies if he alreay doesn’t have a date (sucks if he reads this cause then the element of surprise is gone…whoops). I’m already leaving for the weekend this coming Friday, so I have to exercise every opportunity I get to further my cause.

- Write every couple of days on here. At least once a week. Because blogging is awesome and a passive way to release all my pent up depressive stress.

Hopefully I will be able to keep to all my promises. I feel like I just made new years resolutions…too bad I’m a couple months late. Oh well, better late then never.

p.s. Fulton (my english teacher) would be so proud of my sobering and profound entry.

New Years RESOLUTIONS!

Who thinks I can stick to these? I’m not even sure. =)

- Maintain a weight that will allow me to pull on my jeans without having to struggle

- Continue to attempt to stay focused at school ( at least until first semester ends…then maintain decent grades 2nd)

- GO TO COLLEGE (of my choice of course)

- No more late night snacks =(

- No more insane partying (for a while at least)

- No more staying up late at night…sadly on facebook or youtube

- Read more books outside of school required ones

- Become more socially active (outside of the instant messaging realm)

- Write more on this because it really is awesome. =)

If I can think of anymore, I’ll definitely post em!

Summer’s almost over

So i haven’t blogged in a while, but I just feel the need to blog. So much crap has happened last night. Let’s see:

(changing the names for people’s sake)

basically what has happened is that…Chuck (i’m in a gossip girl mood) told Nate that Serena wanted to hang out with Nate, but was afraid that Nate wanted to have sex with Serena. Nate is around 23 and therefore has a strict no underage sex rule. Serena is underage. What would compel Chuck to say something like this? Because Chuck is a self-centered bastard and should be condemned to a bad place =(. And Serena wanted to be friends with Nate too and stay friends with him. Too bad Serena will never see Nate again and now they’ve left on bad terms. Why did Chuck lie to Nate? What does Chuck have against Serena huh? What is wrong with Chuck? Serena is so pissed at Chuck and wants to punch his face into a wall and strangle him. And Nate told Serena to not flatter herself and to go sit in a corner and think about her lifestyle? Excuse me? Serena is a perfectly fine person, and doesn’t even party that much. Only in the summer. Why is Nate like this? But the better question, why is CHUCK like this? What provoked Chuck to do something like this? Did you know that Serena cried after Nate just yelled at her? And for what reason? Chuck is a complete liar and Nate won’t believe it because he thinks there is no reason for Chuck to lie, and THERE ISN’T! Which begs the question: WHY DID CHUCK LIE? Serena thought that things between her and Chuck were good, things were fine, but obviously things weren’t. If Chuck doens’t have a good reason as to why he lied to Nate, Serena is going to punch his face into the wall and kick him in the balls and everything bad possible will happen to him. Who does Chuck tink he is? huh?

But you know what’s sweet? Revenge. I hear it’s best served cold. Who’s hungry?

xoxo, Gossip Girl

p.s. my mom wants me to get an A on the first AP French test or else she’s going to pull me out of AP French and if I can’t she’s making me switch schools? This is not that serious! What is wrong with her? Lately she just becomes so angry at the littlest things.

I just want to escape.

Week 2 plus seniors

Another successfully boring week. So I’ll just talk about week 2 first.

Week 2 was like..okay it was just the same as week 1. Except lots of guys were gone, so the sleepover wasn’t the same, but that’s okay. The people that were here, my friends, and I still had an interesting night, so I’m good with that.

Seniors. Oh boy it’s really gonna hit me next September. Right now, I feel like I’m still gonna go see them next year. =( So let’s start naming off names:

Frances: My goodness I miss this girl already. The craziness of her, the absolute randomness, that made my day =) The spontaneity is my favorite part. She is so nice and she would do anything for me. These past years in math/chem have been ridiculously fun and I wouldn’t trade those years for anything. Think about all the times in Calc that we just laughed and laughed and Dixon would tell us to be quiet. Or that sub in chem who wrote down you, Prerna, and Anthony’s names for talking. haha like you guys were the only ones talking right? haha WHAT THE AWKWARD! =)

Dani: My goodness. This girl is so funny. Like she’s perfect. She’s beautiful and smart and really good at track. Plus she’s is so funny. I can’t stress how much I’m gonna miss her. 3 years of classes together! All the fun times talking about everything and anything. Making fun of Daniel. Being confused over homework all the time. Calling each other late at night trying to figure out stupid chem labs! my gosh, I’m gonna miss her. But I’m also gonna go visit Princeton! Well hopefully. Plus AP chem reunion! yea yea yea! I’m so excited

Salwa: yay salwa! Ball! my goodness that night was so much fun. That was the most fun I’ve ever had at a dance. Hands down. Sitting next to you in chem has been outrageously fun. Plus Ogle. oh gosh ogle. 3 years of knowing you and I am really gonna miss it all.  You go crazy sometimes, all the time. But yes, senior ball was definitely the highlight of like my life.

I’ll continue later, I’m just watching spiderman 2/zoolander right now and I can’t concentrate and feel nostalgic. But I love you guys!

Emotional instability with my camp. Oh boy

Gaithersburg,MD

So I’m at my program, PSTP, and I’m working at the NIH. Life’s been pretty crazy here and its only been 1 week! Ahh how fantastic. Basically, there were like 8 of us who just had one massive party in one person’s room and it was so boring at times but so much fun. We watched tv for like 6 hours. and talked about nothing.

Today I went to see Get Smart with Dalton and Apeksha (friends) and Apeksha’s friends. Too bad Apeksha’s friends didn’t know me and Dalton were gonna be there so they saved her a seat, but not us. So we had to sit the corner and the screen was so far away and it made me upset =( But the movie was pretty funny! not as funny as I thought it would be, but definitely funny. I want to go see Wanted! BUT I am not 17 and they check ID when people under 21 buy multiple tickets. =( Anyways, that movie looks so awesome. Plus DARK KNIGHT! Christian Bale! Beautiful. Heath Ledger! Deceased, and beautiful (though not in this movie). plus its gonna be soo awesome with Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, AND aaron eckhart!1 (I do NOT like Maggie Gyllenhaal, I wish Katie Holmes would come back) So we sat and laughed at these people sitting next to us who were like enjoying the movie WAY too much. =)

Overall, it was quite a boring/eventful weekend. If you catch my drift.

Work is like hell. It is so boring because all I’m doing is reading about stuff I barely  don’t even understand! And basically I took a crash course on the anatomy of the brain in 1 week. ridiculous! =( But it’s okay because there is a cute almost-med student named Paul in my lab (only cute when he smiles though). And he gets so excited when we talk about schizophrenia and the brain and its so adorable. Too bad he’s like 23. yeaaa that’s not gonna work. haha but he’s really cool and I’m glad I met him.

Life better start picking up or else this summer’s gonna turn out pretty boring. Why won’t some drama start? Oh it’s the first week, so people haven’t been able to develop dislike toward each other yet. But…something will happen, it’s inevitable.

Life is too…meaningful

In response to the death of Jason Yang (there’s no other way to say it)

I can’t say that I was best friends with Jason, or even friends at all. He was in my second grade class, and that was it. I never talked to him again, except for a few times when he joined year around swimming. I can’t say that I ever knew him well; I can’t say that he was great, or smart,  or a funny person because I don’t, and will never, know. All I know is that he thought about his future. I was reading his livejournal (not stalking) and one line said “…so I can get into a good college.” You know how sad it makes me to say “you’re never going to college”? I did not know him well, but I knew him well enough to say this: at least he cared. Even if he didn’t like playing the piano, at least he cared enough about his future to continue doing it. And what for? Now that he’s gone, what sort of future does he have? How is this possible? How can life pass us by so quickly? And now, reflecting on his death, I realize that maybe we should all live our lives a little more like Thoreau: slowly. We should not busy ourselves with the complications of life, namely homework, college apps, even relationships. But rather, come back to our infant state, and perhaps, find the true meaning to reality. Maybe then can we truly find our purpose in this world. Perhaps then, we will be able to live our life to the fullest. Because, in the end, it is our own life, and we must live it focusing on ourselves, rather than the outside world. For who needs to know of the outside world? What sort of gain do we get from knowing what everyone else is doing everyday? Let them say that this selfishness will hinder progress of humanity; let me say this: why must we progress? What is so evil about living life simply, without anything to corrupt or complicate life? Without a future to think about?

And so I remember know from Prerna’s wordpress:

Life: Because it’s where we are. 

Perhaps we should live life for life right now, and not life twenty years from now.