Somethin’ About, Baby, You and I

Hi there,

So it’s the end of November, almost December and I can’t say that my life has become any different.  I promised updates on my life, so this may be a long post. Depends on how tired I get (It’s 12:55 AM!).

I will first update on study abroad. I got into my program in Edinburgh. I was so excited and then I got a phone call from my mother one day and she told me that she didn’t want me to study abroad. I was devastated. I cried for a very long time. I could not believe her. And then, when all the emotions settled, I did believe her. The opportunities that I can potentially have at Rice outnumber the opportunities I could have in Edinburgh. And while going abroad is an experience I will truly miss, I can’t say that I will pick being in a foreign country over my future career. If I want to go abroad, I will find a way to make it happen. One way or another. Until then, I must focus on my MCAT and med school applications and whatnots. It’s going to be a tough second semester; really a tough 2012 until around July when I’m done applying everywhere. I really hope I can get into med school. That would be so spectacular.

Okay now for the real reason I came to blog: John. Oh John. I fear writing his last name because what if he googles his name and finds this post! Plus it would be creepy to put his first and last name. Anyway, here’s the story with John. He was my screwdate this year (Junior Year) and we just clicked the instant we met. I flirted with him way too much over dinner and at Chocolate Bar. It was actually kind of ridiculous. I liked him so much as soon as I met him. Which was a bittersweet moment because I was still in a relationship with Chad. It didn’t help that buy the end of the night, I had to tell John that I had a boyfriend; I almost didn’t want to tell him. But then Chad came that week to visit and it was all hunkydory. But then Chad and I broke up the following Tuesday. So then John and I started talking a lot more. And…I guess there’s that feeling when you meet someone new and you’re fascinated by them. Because I’m pretty sure John and I were fascinated by each other. I remember thinking about him all the time and being really eager to meet him again.

We kind of fell into this routine where we would find time to hang out almost every night. We would hookup, sure, but I think I was more intrigued about him rather than just hooking up. It was like we were in a relationship, without calling it a relationship. It was all the benefits of a relationship without any responsibilities. The question is, who is benefitting more from it? And who is sacrificing more? Because in life, it’s never fair. Nothing is ever split evenly, so why should a relationship be any different? I’ve spent the last 2 months going back and forth with the notion that I’m losing in this relationship. At one end of the spectrum, I’m fighting an uphill battle to win John. I keep wanting to be in a relationship with him and hoping that one day, he will want to be in one with me as well. I’ve noticed in the last 2 months, however, that I really don’t think that will ever happen. It is incredibly difficult to tie down a senior boy in college. It’s their last year to roam free and do whatever they want, hookup with whomever, and get away with it. If I was a senior boy, why would I want to be tied down by a girl? He always says things like “Let’s just have fun” and “As long as we’re still having fun”. I don’t know if I want to just “have fun” anymore. In our case, he doesn’t have any real responsibilities as a boyfriend to really care about me. If he wants to, he’ll take me out on a date. If he wants to, he’ll come over and hang out with me. But I don’t want someone that can use me as they please. If he wants fun, he can get it because he knows it will always be there, waiting for him. I don’t want to be that person that’s always waiting for him. I want him to have to work for it. I want him to care. I want him to care for me as much as I care for him. And to be honest, I really don’t think that day will come. John and I work really well together, but is that enough? Things are easy with him, but I don’t know if that’s enough to make me stay. I think I like the idea of having a relationship with someone, not necessarily with John.

I care about John, I really do. I just wonder if he cares about me in the same way, with the same intensity. And if not, is it worth it to stay? Or should I muster up the strength to walk away? Am I upset enough with our relationship that I should rock the boat?

With uncertainties in my mind,

Kreetal Gel

The Dreams I Dream

I just had a dream that I had to write down before I forgot, and so I decided to blog it. I will fill in the background details later.

So the only thing I can remember from this dream is that Chad and I are sleeping in the same bed, and his ex girlfriend Stephanie (who I absolutely loathe) is in the other bed. And I’m pretending to be asleep but there are these commercials of her on TV, like she’s some sort of model. It was ridiculous. Anyway, Stephanie and Chad keep arguing about him not caring about her, and then Chad says “Stephanie, I care about you more than you care about yourself.”

Then the situation changes where we’re inside my big green van and Stephanie and Chad are now together and laying with each other, and I’m trying to get drunk people away from my van so they won’t throw up in it. Somehow, Maurice (a freshman at Lovett), Katherine, David, and Tyler Boyd end up in my car. Katherine is wasted and somehow, Stephanie turns into Jaclyn and she’s pretty wasted too. So after this is all taken care of and I close all of the blinds, I turn to now Jaclyn, but still Stephanie, and Chad and I start cursing them out. I start yelling at Stephanie first telling her how she was my friend and she wasn’t very good friends with me and she was really mean to me and I hated her for it. Then I turned to Chad and I really cursed him out. I think he started crying. I told Chad how fucking inconsiderate he was because he started dating his ex again who hurt him so much. I told him that didn’t even want to be in the same state as them because they make me sick to my stomach. I wished Chad would die in a dirty rotten hole, alone. I put more curse words in there, but I can’t really remember what they were.

Anyway, before I could finish my spiel, Jaclyn/Stephanie started throwing up. On my bed. I was so furious but at the same time I just kicked her out and made her throw up outside. Then Katherine threw up and I kicked her out too. Then Maurice threw up. I cleaned it all up. Then I woke up.

So…definitely one of the strangest dreams I’ve had in a while. I think I had this dream because of the Lovett-Baker powderpuff game last night. And how I felt so much animosity towards John’s ex, Jessica. And I really have no reason to feel that way because she never did anything to me and apparently she’s really nice. I feel like this dream was to tell me that not everyone’s ex is as crazy as Stephanie. And not everyone will call you a bitch even when you’ve been friends for a year. I’m not saying that Jessica will want to be friends with me, and I can understand why, but I’m saying that I shouldn’t feel so much anger towards her, because she has given me the greatest gift of all and that is John….even if John and I aren’t in a relationship, we’re just dating. And I don’t know how long I can be okay with that either, but we’ll see. For right now, I’m okay with it. But that’s a different blog for a different time.

I’ll update more extensively later, but for right now, the quick and dirty version:

- John and I are now dating. I really like him a lot, a little too much I think.
- Denny and I are friends again. He’s dating this really sweet girl Sherry and I think she’s adorable.
- I still hate Abby. But some things will never change.
- Chad and I don’t talk that much anymore, but he’s now pursuing this other girl named Hannah. Good for him. She’s an Asian Jew.
- I’m no longer studying in Edinburgh. Details for that will follow. =(

Until then,

Kreetal Gel

I’m still trying to figure all this crap out

Do you ever get the feeling that life is one big practical joke? I definitely do. A LOT. I read old blogs and I laugh at how I thought my life was complicated then, and now it’s so much more complicated. But I guess that is life. I will probably look at this post in a couple months and be like “meh, that wasn’t that bad”. I wish I knew my future but at the same time, I don’t. I wish I knew it would all work out in the end, but I don’t know. Perhaps I should back track a little bit.

Chad and I broke up a week and a half ago. September 20, 2011 to be exact. He couldn’t handle the distance. It’s understandable but I’m still so frustrated with him. I’m so mad at him for doing this to me but at the same time, I understand. I don’t know what to do with him. I think about him so much and I know he thinks about me too. It’s the most unfortunate situation ever. And I just don’t know if I can bear it. I put up a good front, but really, I’m hurting. I’m hurting a lot. I listen to sad songs (by choice) because I want to think about him and feel sad. I’m THAT depressed. Well, I wouldn’t say depressed, but I’m definitely sad. It just was so sudden. He came to visit one week and then the following Tuesday he thought we shouldn’t be together anymore. Then tonight he got really drunk and then started texting me all of these things. And I thought I could handle it, but I really can’t. I’m really not strong enough for this. He wanted to skype me tonight and I couldn’t do it. I knew I would just start crying if we skyped. So instead, I said he was too drunk to talk and then he probably threw up and passed out. And he will wake up tomorrow morning and probably forget we even talked tonight. Why does it take him to be so incredibly fucked up in order to say the things he’s feeling to me? Why does he have to act like this? It’s not fair what he’s doing to me. Sometimes I wish he would just tell me he doesn’t like me and then that was it. It’s way easier to burn bridges with your exes then to attempt to mend them. Which leads me to my next topic: Denny.

Denny and I rebuilt our friendship. We were good this summer. We were amicable. Which is very hard to do from the fucked up relationship we had. So earlier this week we ate dinner together, and he told me had NOT hooked up with anyone this year. Not a single girl. And he told me him and his ex-girlfriend Abby were over. There was no way he was going to get back with her. Then I learn from two separate sources that he has actually been hooking up with a lot of girls. AND him and Abby are definitely NOT over. It’s fine that he’s been hooking up with a bunch of girls or that him and Abby are still trying (even though I personally hate the bitch), I just wish he didn’t lie to me like the little bitch that he is. I cannot believe that I actually believed that he had changed. Why do I fool myself into believing the best in people? Which brings me to my next topic: Avery.

Avery Avery Avery. He is the epitome of douchebag/asshole. I honestly have no idea why I put up with his bullshit. I thought I could change him and make him an actually decent person. So wrong. He hates Rice, he hates the institution, he loves fraternities. Well if you fuckin love fraternities so much, the get the fuck out of Rice. We don’t want you here anyway. Leave. JUST FUCKIN LEAVE ALREADY. I can’t stand him anymore. He has become the most unattractive ugly person I have ever met. He’s ugly in every way, looks, personality, etc. I’m seriously considering burning this bridge. Better get out while I still can.

Then there’s John. John is so sweet. He’s such a nice guy and I really like him. But him and I aren’t really in the right time in our life to get into a relationship. Even though that’s basically what we’re doing. We’re dating without actually calling it dating. It’s weird. And I’m still in love with Chad. I like hanging out with John and stuff, but I don’t know. There’s not the same lust and raw passion as I had with Chad. There’s something that so compelling about Chad that I really cannot say the same with John. I don’t know if I should continue things with John or just…I don’t know. There’s also this really attractive Jewish freshman named Ben. Hot damn. Those damn Jews. I’m so fuckin attracted to them it’s ridiculous. Ben I want to get to know you. Hello hottie. And he’s from New York (well Boston, but still…I’m still a fan of anyone who loves the East Coast). I hope to get to know him better. And he’s older than me (even though he’s a freshman)…cougar status! Have to wait until pumpkin grades though. I can do that. It’s only in like a week.

4 boys. 4 issues. Already cut of one, about to cut off another. Just leaves Chad and John. What do I do with them? Peace the fuck outta here and fuckin study in Edinburgh for a semester. Whattup study abroad. I can’t believe that I can actually do it. It’s still very surprising and novel. Stay tuned for more study abroad deets.

Aite it’s 4:24 AM and it’s time to sleep yo. Peace bitches.

My Kryptonite

It’s funny how life as a way of throwing things at you. I just re-read my last blog post. About James. and how I thought long distance didn’t work. And yet I’m trying to do one right now. After I said goodbye to James, I started talking to Chad more and more. Chad is a guy that I met at work. Him and I have this long and complicated story, but we got each other in the end and I’m so grateful. Basically, long story short, Chad’s ex girlfriend Stephanie used to work with me at the same company. Stephanie treated Chad like shit and she is basically a two-faced liar. And she tried to sabotage my relationship with Chad. And she called me all of these horrible names, but that’s fine. I wish our relationship wasn’t so complicated. We’ve only officially been dating for 2 months, but it took a long time to get to where we are now. To be completely honest with each other. I don’t think there’s anything we haven’t told each other. I have told Chad basically everything, from my messed up family to my Denny situation. Chad and I are doing great now. I lived with him my last 1.5 weeks in Philadelphia and I loved it. At times it was hard because, living with a bunch of boys is hard, but I really enjoyed it.

And I miss Philadelphia so much. I feel like this summer has changed me so much. I’m not excited to be back at Rice. Maybe it’s because I still have the MCAT to take, but I just feel like there’s nothing left here for me anymore. Of course I love all of my friends. They’re really the only reason I have to stay here. The Rice dynamic is great, but it’s also detrimental. I feel like if you’re not overachieving, you’re underachieving. There’s no normal. And I can’t do it. I just want to be normal for once. I just want to go to school, and party on the weekends like a normal person’s college experience.  What I would give to be normal. What I would give to have Chad with me right now. I love that boy so much it’s incredible. It doesn’t pain me when I think about him, but I remember the first night I slept alone, that was the worst night of my life. I felt like I was going to die from the inside out. I really felt like I could not live without Chad. He’s the type of man that I could really see myself being with for the rest of my life. He’s cute, so nice to me, and he’s not an asshole. He’s not someone who just looks for the easy kill and leaves. Chad is different. He cares. He cares so much and it makes me love him that much more. It took him until I finally came back to school for him to say I love you too. It was a huge relief for him to say that. I know I’m really special to him. And he is so special to me. I could never hurt him. He means so much to me.

Which brings me to Avery. Avery Marcus. I’m pretty sure that boy is the bane of my existence. He enters into my life in my Intro to Country Western Dancing LPAP and I just cannot help but be attracted to him. First off, he’s pretty. He has green eyes and man, am I a SUCKER for green eyes. And he’s so tall. He’s like 6’4″. And he works out. And he’s just hot. He’s kind of a douchebag, and by kind of I mean really. But I guess that’s the kind of guy I used to be attracted to. And still kind of am. Anyway, Megan and Beth don’t like him because he got Diego kicked out of Rice. But I went to yogurtland with him today, and he told me the full story. I’m not saying it’s not his fault, because I think he has some blame. But it’s just…I can’t help putting some of the blame of Diego. And Megan can’t see it because she’s so in love with Dan that she’s blinded by all the shit that he does. He gets away with it all. He lies to her and she can’t even see it. But I don’t think it’s my place to say anything because 1) I don’t want to get into other people’s drama. and 2) it’s not my place. Dan should tell her, not me. Anyway, the whole point of this was that Avery has walked into my life and we keep flirting hardcore and I can’t help it. He’s just so cute. And I want to be his friend, but at the same time, I’m always curious. I guess it’s because I’ve never had a real boyfriend before. Especially a long distance one. I just love Chad so much. But I can’t help but touch Avery’s arms. They’re so big. And you know how much I love big arms. They’re my weakness. Avery is my kryptonite to my Lois Lane. If that makes any sense at all. It’s 4:37 in the morning. Not a lot of things make sense. I’m currently listening to Lady Antebellum now. I run to you. Great song.

Chad…come here faster so I don’t have to be distracted by Avery and his big arms. My thoughts run astray and I can’t help it. I don’t want to want him, but I do nonetheless. Nothing emotional. Just physically. Rawr.

Long distance is for losers

So I don’t know if I updated this or not, but I met a guy on the cruise to Mexico I went on in May. His name is James. He’s Mexican. He’s really nice and really sweet and works and goes to school and is thinking about becoming a nurse. We hit it off pretty well on the cruise. And then we hooked up when I went to spend a night in San Antonio (where he lives). Then I came to Philly to start my internship. And we decided that we would continue talking to each other, and liking each other. We became really close. And I became really attached. And then we decided it was a good idea for him to come to Philadelphia on July 4th so that we could spend some time together. Kind of recharge our relationship. It was going to be great. It was a big step but I was willing to take it. He was willing to take it.

Everything was going fine until a couple of days ago. I started expressing doubts about my feelings towards him. And I basically told him that I still liked him a lot but I know we lost some of that initial spark because we’re not with each other and we’ve gotten to know each other. We grew up in such different environments. We were both poor, but I guess he was poorer. I feel like his family doesn’t live very economically but it’s not like I can tell them how to live their lives. They don’t need tivo. Anyway, the point is that we grew up in two different cultures. He’s super Mexican and family is everything and they’re super tight knit. My family is my mom and occasionally my sister. He doesn’t think I will fit in naturally with his family. I think I’d do fine but that’s just me. We don’t really see eye-to-eye on certain things. I like reading. He hates reading. I want to be able to play sporcle or scrabble with my boyfriend. I don’t think he’d like any of those games. He likes to poke fun of me and it’s fine the first 10 times. Then it just gets old. You can’t do it everyday and expect me to still like you. His ideal girl is a Mehicana (?) girl who is super Mexican and cooks and cleans and whatever shit. I’m definitely not mehicana. Well first of all…I’m not Mexican. Sorry but I can’t change that. And I cook relatively decently to get by. But I’m not by means a freaking culinary genius. And so he thinks I will have a hard time fitting into his family. And I mean, he doesn’t know me that well. He doesn’t know that I fit in anywhere if people are willing to talk to me. We don’t know enough about each other for him to come up to Philly. The risk is too large. Aka I’m not worth flying across the country for. You’re strapped for cash if you have $20 bucks in the bank after this trip. not $150. I understand you have to struggle to survive. I know this is a sucky situation. I just wish the timing was right. I don’t want to sit on my death bed wondering if we could have ever worked out. Like what if he was the one. I guess if it’s fate, then we’ll be together someday. I guess today is not that day.

Anyway I’m super tired so I’ll update more. But I hurt less than I hurt with Tyler. So maybe this healing process will be faster. I’m also going up to Penn State for July 4th now. Holla!

The Show Goes On

It’s been almost 2 weeks since I last talked to Tyler. At first it was hard. I really cried every day of finals week and I think a big part of why my physics final ended so poorly was because of him. But I don’t blame him. He texted me during the final. I got it afterwards and it basically said that he couldn’t handle a relationship right now and that it wasn’t me it was him and that I was still beautiful yada yada yada. Basically, he needs time to sort his life out. I cried. A LOT. I cried a lot that night because 1) Physics was fucking hard. And 2) Tyler finally texted me. I kinda feel like it helped me move on because it was a definitive answer. All this time I had been held in limbo because he didn’t really talk to me since the tornado. Were we still going to try something? Were we not? Do you even like me still? What’s going on? I cried. I cried not because he didn’t like me. I cried because we couldn’t be together. I cried because we had come so close, and then for something so unexpected to happen and take it all away from me. All of it. It’s kind of ridiculous, like something out of a soap opera. Except there’s no happy ending. He goes and sorts his life out in Alabama while I go away to Philadelphia to…intern and study for the MCAT. Fucking great. This summer is gonna be one of the worst summers of my life. I’m thinking about coming back to Houston after my internship just because I can’t stand going home. I hate it. I want to be home for a total of maybe like 1 hour. Then I want to leave again. I think what upsets me the most is that Bethy told me that Tyler was basically going to start a relationship with me before the tornado hit. Really mother nature? You had to take that away from me? Why can’t you be happy with making other people happy? Huh? I guess it’s not just the tornado that caused the relationship to not happen, but at the same time, I still kind of wish the tornado didn’t fucking happen. It didn’t do anyone any good. I’m bitter against mother nature.

Anyway, I think about Tyler less and less now. Before it was all the time. Now it’s only when I’m bored. Or when I’m on facebook. It’s a lot easier to think about him. I don’t get as sad. I get a little sad but I am accepting of this situation. I mean, I’m hopeful for the future, but for right now, I’m in the acceptance stage. Who knows, maybe I’ll meet someone really really awesome in Philadelphia. I’m going to go see Christian again. Go do a little partying. I think he has a girlfriend from what I can deduce from my expert stalking skills. But I’m unsure. I guess I’ll find out. She’s a freshman. With a large face. Like too large for her body. It’s disproportioned. But whatever. If he’s happy, then I guess I’m happy for him. Christian was a nice boy, but I don’t see us getting back together any time soon. Maybe in the future. I wish I could predict the future. Man, life would be good then. But then maybe I wouldn’t want to know what the future held. It’s kind of what makes life, life. The unknown. It’s painful, but it’s also exciting. And new. And the reason why you keep living. I know I complain about the MCAT a lot and like med school (I really am afraid I won’t get into a med school…I got a C in physics for christ’s sake). But it’s exhilarating to know that I may or may not make it into med school. I mean it would completely suck if I didn’t get in, but I guess it’s not the end of the world. I really want to though. I wish I had photographic memory. That would be awesome. But I have a normal if not below average memory. Meh, oh well. I guess I gotta work that much harder in life. Which I think will be good for me. Working hard means the reward is worth that much more to you.

I’m pretty bad at keeping in touch with people I don’t really care for. So I probably won’t keep in touch with Tyler as much as I would have if we were involved or something. But maybe every once in a while. Just to remind him that I exist. And I’m sure he’ll come visit too. It’ll be hard at first, but it will get easier. I still feel something every time anyone mentions his name. It’s not pain. It’s not happiness. It’s just a feeling, something in my heart. Kind of like a tug. But I’m not sad. I’m upset at the situation, but I’m not sad. Not anymore at least. I can’t be sad because life can’t wait for someone until a year from now. Life happens now and you just gotta go with it. Or else you get stuck. Stuck in a timeless bubble that I’m not really sure I know how to get out of. Why risk it if you don’t have to? Just move on Krystal. Just move on.

All the Right Moves and All the Right Places

I don’t know why I feel the way I do. I think the way I feel is more frustrating than the situation at hand. I’m not exactly sure what has caused this feeling of such intensity, and I don’t know how to get rid of it. But I’m hoping that this is one way that I can rid this problem of my soul. And, for the time being, compose myself for my physics exam tomorrow night. I’ve been thinking about him for about a week and a half now. I’ve only met him twice. Maybe spent around 3 hours with him…total. And yet, I’m intensely attracted to him. He is the epitome of as perfect as perfect can be in this fucked up world. And he likes me too. Probably with less intensity. But it doesn’t matter because he likes me. And likes to talk to me. And it was glorious.

He first came to visit because he is friends with one of my friends. I first met him after I had just been told by another guy friend that I really liked that he didn’t like me. So I was already pretty upset. But there he was. Just a normal guy. I didn’t think too much of him. Just one of Beth’s friends. No big. I wasn’t going to drink that night. I was just going to go to the party, and then go to sleep. Then I decided it would be okay to drink. And so I did. I didn’t drink enough to get drunk. I wasn’t even tipsy. But as the night wore on, I started to like Tyler more and more. He was funny. He was kinda cute. I could do with him. He goes to Alabama. So probably not that smart, but that’s fine with me. And then he left before we really got to know each other. Well, whatever, I thought. It wasn’t like there could be anything there anyway. Beth texted him later that night saying that I thought he was cute. He said he thought I was cute too. Great. At least one guy appreciates my looks.

I didn’t really think about him for a while. That encounter was back in February. I continue with my classes, my life goes on. I forget about tyler. I focus on the other drama in my life. I had finally gotten over Denny. It took me a year, but I finally did it. I don’t care what Denny does, who he does, and what he does with whoever he does. It’s his business and I could care less. I really could. My birthday rolls around. I have 2 exams the next day so I’m “studying” for them and Beth walks in the room saying that Tyler is going to friend me on facebook to wish me a happy birthday. Oh! Okay. This is kind of exciting because I recall our last experience together. It was pleasant.

He friends me. I accept. He chats me saying “happy birthday!”. I politely respond “thanks!”. We talked. for a while that night. It was nice. He was nice. I stalked him naturally. I couldn’t remember exactly what he looked like because I had only seen him once and…well I forgot. And Beth said he takes bad pictures. I trusted Beth. He asked for my number. I gave it to him. Apparently, he was going to visit that coming Friday. Exciting! So we texted for the next couple of days. And then he comes. I survey him and I find myself a lot more attracted to him than before. He’s funny, yes. He’s cute, yes. But he’s just the nicest boy in the world. He’s so nice. We hang out in a  group, and its fine. I get really drunk, he has mono so I can’t make out with him but that’s fine. Then he has to go home, so we hug goodbye. Then I went to the party with my friends. A weird feeling came over me that night. For some reason, I didn’t want to dance or hookup with anyone at the party. I just wanted to continue talking to Tyler. Just to be around him. I think I might have actually liked him.

We talked a lot over the next couple of days. And then we kind of stopped talking so much, but that was because I was studying for finals and he was studying/sleeping/watching a LOT of movies. And I kind of ran out of things to say. He likes whisky and light beer. I like rum and dark beer. We’re complete opposites but I can’t help but like him. And I know he likes me too. The only problem is distance. He has had many long distance relationships before so another one would not be advisable. I know it would be hard, but I’m willing to do it with him I like him that much. We were all going to go to the beach for a couple days. Then, if something happened there, then we could talk about a relationship. I was waiting for the beach. It was in 2 weeks. I could do it.

Then, mini-disaster struck. His fishing trip was later than we thought, and so he may have to stay in Alabama for the entirety that I’m here. Which would mean no beach. But he would ask his parents. Maybe there’s still hope. Maybe he can convince his parents to let him come home for 8 days. Then we could be together alone for once. I was hopeful. I continued to talk to him normally.

Then real disaster struck. No an actual natural disaster. An F5 tornado blazed right through Tuscaloosa, Alabama, basically wiping out the entire city’s infrastructure and killing hundreds of people. Luckily, he was fine, and didn’t get hurt. But I think it hurt him really badly. Bethy says he gets really emotional about these types of things. Another reason why I like him. He has feelings as opposed to most boys.

Since the tornado, we haven’t talked that much if at all. I tried to cheer him up by talking about something else, but to no avail. All he wants to talk about is the tornado if at all. I haven’t texted him today and he never texted me either. I think he’s under a lot of emotional stress right now. He feels really connected to his community and is helping with relief efforts. Which is expected. But it’s also sad because we won’t be able to go to the beach now. For sure. It’s kind of painful because our chance kind of got knocked out of the way because of a fucking tornado. Really mother nature? You really want to bring me down huh? Kill every chance I get of ever having a relationship. I don’t know. Maybe she did me a favor. Long distance is hard. But we would only have to do it for a year. He’s planning on graduating early. A year isn’t too long. I would be willing to go visit him every break I got. But maybe she’s right. Maybe this was a bad idea anyway. A relationship shouldn’t be started long distance.

And so, with this post, I’m kind of letting him go. I still like him. And I will still talk to him occasionally. I’m trying to leave him alone right now because of his tornado situation. I understand that he’s an emotional wreck right now and just wants to help clean up his hometown. So I will give him time to do that. Maybe we’ll see in the future. At the end of the summer (if I come back early), next year, whenever it may be. I have to believe that the reason why I already feel so strongly about him is because maybe there is a future for us. I’m not entirely sure when, but I have to believe that we can try to be together in the future. Maybe when we’re in the same area. Who knows, we may not even work out, but I want to know that we tried. And I want to give it a good effort, and maybe starting things off long distance isn’t exactly the best start to a relationship. So he’s going in a tiny box in my heart. And every thought, every thing about him is going into that box. And I will try my best to ignore it. We can be friends. Being friends is the best beginning. I like him. He likes me. But we just can’t be together right now. Not under these circumstances. Danielle says to believe in fate. I believe in it. Maybe fate will bring us together someday. Maybe it won’t. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe mother nature was trying to tell me something. Maybe she was trying to save me from making a mistake by jumping into this too soon. I don’t distance to mess this up. I’m willing to wait. I’m just hoping his feelings toward me won’t change in the time being. But I think that it will work out the way it was supposed to work out. If we end up together, then wonderful. If not, then it just wasn’t meant to be. I guess we’ll find out eventually.

Imma be what I set out to be, without a doubt, undoubtedly

Lately (as of last week), I have become an eminem fanatic. I am eminem-crazed. And I love it. I can’t get enough of him. If you ever get the chance to listen to the eminem youtube playlist…fantastic. I keep listening to it on repeat. And as I sit here at 1:10 AM on a Sunday night, getting ready to start my Bioc lab paper, I realize that…my life should be better. I should appreciate the things I have, and excise the things that are bringing me down. I really decided to write this post because last night, I cried. I cried a lot. And I can group my crying into two categories.

1) Denny

This blog is public. So there is a chance he will see this. There’s a chance that a lot of people will read this. There’s a chance I have some sort of stalker out there that reads my every blog post and will read this…creepy. Anyway, it’s fine. I don’t care who reads. It’s not private. If Eminem can express himself to the public, then so can I. Denny. I realized that part of the reason why I can’t have a relationship, flip-flop between wanting one and not wanting one and liking boys and then realizing I don’t really like them anymore after hanging out with them, placing them in the friend zone…it’s because of Denny. Usually when I break up with someone, or stop liking them, it’s something that is final. I close my heart to them. It’s finished. When I ended things with Denny, the door was never closed entirely. It was like I tried to close it, then found out I couldn’t completely do it. Because when I ended things with Denny, I didn’t actually end them. I have struggled with this for an entire year now because I still like him. I still like him a lot. And despite the fact that I don’t want to like him, I can’t help it. And I think it’s because we never defined what exactly we were. We’re friends, we hookup occasionally. What does this all mean? Does he like me? Does he not like me? What about his girlfriend? We go back and forth and it’s so frustrating. I’m tired of doing it. I want to know exactly where we are. We will either work, or won’t work. And if we do work, great. If we don’t work, that’s fine. At least I will know once and for all. And it will be so glorious to know. For once. Denny isn’t so good with confrontation so this will be hard. But I hope to reach this conclusion soon.

2) My dad. I know I’ve said before that you can’t miss what you never had. That I don’t mind that my dad wasn’t present throughout my entire childhood and still continues to be non-existent. But to be honest, I mind. I really mind a lot that he wasn’t there. He never showed up to a single school function. He never showed up to my hundreds of swim meets. Not a single one. For 11 years. He didn’t come to one? Really? The only memory I have of my dad was when he walked me to school 1 day in first grade. That’s the only time he ever cared for me. One time, when my mom was building our house, she came back too late and I walked home and couldn’t get into the house. I sat outside the door and waited for her. I waited and waited and waited. For hours. I ended up crying and falling asleep. I peed in my pants that day. It was the most depressing moment of my childhood. And now I realize, I should not be mad at my mom. I should never be mad at my mom. She has given up so much for me. She has given up her entire life to make sure I succeed. To have come from nothing and be able to support two children and basically my father for 19 years. She could have been great. She could have been the best. Instead, she lives a below average life, struggling to make ends meet. My father did this to her. I have never known someone so dark and twisted, so evil that he would do so much damage to one single person. He is a parasite. My mom is a host. And guess who ends up dead? I wish nothing well of him. He doesn’t care about me. He never cared about me and he never will. I hope he lives alone for the rest of his life. I hope he sits at home, has no friends, and thinks to himself everyday how pathetic and sad his stupid little life is. And how he could’ve had a great life if he had shown one more damn ounce of compassion. I hope he grows old alone and has to drive himself to the hospital when he’s dying. I hope he dies alone, with no visitors. I don’t want anything from him. I don’t want anything to do with him. He is not invited to my commencement. He’s not invited to my wedding. He will never hear from me again. I hate him with all my heart.

I think my boy problems stem from my father and daddy issues growing up. Subconsciously, I don’t trust boys. I’m afraid to love because I’ve been hurt a lot and I’m just so damn tired of being hurt. But I want to love, I just…am afraid. That’s why I turn to hookups. They’re so much simpler. No complexity. Nothing. No feelings. Just physical satisfaction. But, I know I can do this. I know that somewhere out there, there has to be someone who won’t hurt me. Who won’t make me feel so low that I don’t even love myself. I have to know he exists. I’m not afraid.

Just Keep Me Where the Light Is

Disclaimer: this is a fucking sad post.

I just had the biggest fight in the world with my mom. And I am actually ashamed to call her my mother. I had applied for many internships this summer and right afterwards I got an offer with the internship I had last summer. I had to make a decision in 24 hours. I accepted this position. Then, a couple weeks later, I found out I didn’t get into a lot of the internships I had applied to. It was fine. It was actually great. I didn’t get into those internships anyway, so I was right in accepting my position in Philadelphia. Then, I started getting emails from this lab in Germany. I had always wanted an internship abroad. That was actually my first choice. But I decided, hey making $20 an hour for the summer wouldn’t be so bad. The only problem is I think I have a real shot at this internship in Germany. Who cares where it is? It’s Germany it’s totally different from the United States. Sounds like an opportunity to jump at right? I haven’t gotten it yet, but I have a good idea that I will get it. And yes, I won’t be making a lot of money at this internship, but I may be able to do both this one and the Philadelphia internship. Especially if I can get the Germany lab to pay for my flight there and back. I’d basically be able to live in Germany for 2 months for free. I won’t be making money, but I won’t be spending it. Or at least I’ll be spending very little of it.

I let my mother know of the good news. The first thing that comes out of her wretched twisted mouth is a complaint that I know zero things about this place. I don’t know who lives there, if there’s summer housing, how to live in a foreign country, etc. I told her that I haven’t gotten the internship yet but I will start doing research on the place. I told her last Friday that I had a good chance of getting the internship and that I’ve been researching information on the place. It’s been 2 days. 48 hours. And she already scolds me for not looking up information before I applied. She complains about me procrastinating on this, on everything I do in life. Yes, I failed a physics test. It was my fault, I’ll admit it. I didn’t study. Why? I hate physics. I hate physics with all my heart and soul. But, I’m trying to turn my life around. I’m doing my homework. I’m going to restudy the previous test so that I will be prepared for the final. My mother is just unreasonable and she never listens to anything I ever say. Ever. Once she has a point to get across, she doesn’t let it go. We argued for a long time. I got mad. She got mad. I swore at her. She got even more mad. I told her that I’d rather she not be in my life. I told her to not come visit me next week. I told her that in my life, I will make many mistakes, but I’d rather go through life making those mistakes than having her in it. She told me it was my decision. She hung up.

How come everytime we argue, I’m the only one that ends up crying? How come I’m the only one that’s upset? I have never felt more alone than I am now in the world. I don’t know if I can come back from this. I put on a John Mayer Pandora playlist to ease the pain. There’s just something about John Mayer, Jason Mraz, and other various artists that soothes me. They also make me emotional. I don’t know. It’s a paradox but I love it. Talking about love, you know when they say that mother’s unconditionally love their children. All their children? Complete bullshit. I have listened to my mother complain about my sister. ALL THE TIME. It’s always “your sister and I got into a fight.” then 1 day later, “your sister and I are going out to dinner.” then it’s “I can’t live with your sister”. Then it’s “oh we’re spending the day together because she doesn’t have work”. My conversations with her always cover a variety of topics including: 1) my weight. overfuckingweight I am. 2) my skin. how incredibly ugly my skin is. 3) procrastination. how fucking failure I am of a student and that I love procrastination. I procrastinate in every aspect of my life. I can never catch a break can I? Well, I know that I’m overweight. No I actually am. I learned in nutrition. I’m actually overweight. It’s okay though. I’m working on it. Slowly. That’s the hardest thing I have in my life because I’ve never had to work on my weight. Thanks to swimming, it’s always just been in check. Since quitting swimming, I’ve been slowly gaining weight. I’m trying to lose it though. I’m trying to lose it the right way though. Not the sickly Yvonne Woo way. And I’m improving my skin. I bought topical steroids that will help clear it up. It’s already been working and I’ve only had it for a week. I do procrastinate. I admit it. I failed my physics test because of it. Procrastination is a habit that is incredibly hard to break. And I’ve been trying my best to cure it. Well, no I haven’t. But after I failed my physics test, I’m going to cure it. I have to. Or else I won’t survive life. I won’t be successful and we just can’t have that.

So here I am. Sitting alone in my room. I wish Jen didn’t have to see me like that. All distraught and vulnerable. What am I going to do with my life? I’m basically alone. I have very little money. And I still have 2 years of college left. Not to mention all of medical school. No one is going to pay for my medical school. So what should I do? You know how people say that they work really hard so that their children can have a better life than they had? It’s funny because my mom did that same thing. And i had a pretty good childhood. Minus the whole no father thing. But I didn’t think I lacked anything. I wasn’t rich. I was far from rich. And now I am very far from rich. But I felt like my childhood was successful. And now this. I am on my own. To fend for myself in the world. So I ask you again, what am I going to do? The definition of successfulness in this world is self-sustainability. So, if I can survive in this world, then I am successful. You know what’s funny? The thing I’m worried about the most is my taxes. How am I going to do my taxes? I don’t even know how to do taxes/FAFSA/any financial aid stuff. I should have learned. I guess I’ll learn the hard way. But I’ll get through it. One way or another. I’ll make it out alive. Or at least I hope I will. And if I don’t, well at least I put up one hell of a fight. And believe me I’m not going down without a fight.

With or without my mother or family, I will survive. And I will be successful. Because honestly, that’s the only path I have. I have to swim. Because I can’t sink. It’s not an option.

If you got to the end, I commend you. Thanks for sticking by my side.

What is college about?

I think I’ve subconsciously struggled with this question for a long time and have finally come up with an answer…for now.

Definition (by urbandictionary.com):

A magical place where it is rumored that learning takes place, although to those who enter it is often described differently afterward, as a beatiful land in which beer flows in amber currents next to a golden pasture, where virgins lie naked with gentle smiles upon their calm, inviting faces; but more precisely, a Shangri-La rite of passage into adulthood which involves rampant consumption of alcoholic beverages, flagrant and promiscuous sexual behavior, and a general and fundamental disregard for any form of responsibility by its habitants.

Yes. College is a place where beer flows like water, mistakes are made, lessons are learned, and individuals change from who they think they are to who they actually are. I know I have witnessed and experienced all of these things. And I’m only halfway done. While it is true that I will most likely change in many ways from where I sit now, to where I sit 2 years from now, I have to believe that it will be for the best. And I think my morphism into my future self starts with an answer to this simple question: What is college about?

College is about finding out what you like and what you don’t like. It’s as simple as that. And I’m not talking about simply “oh I like this…kinda”. I’m talking about  ”This is what I would spend my entire life doing and never be bored/satisfied”. Although I haven’t found this item of passion, I know that if I continue searching for it , someday it will come across my path.

For a long time, I thought, for every summer, I would not have minded doing research in a laboratory setting. I thought it was cool to be on the frontier of science, making ground-breaking discoveries. And in theory, it still is cool. Unfortunately, I came to the realization that science took many many years to pay off, if ever. Every summer my passion for research shrank and shrank until I no longer had any desire to do it anymore. And that’s when it hit me: this is not what I want to do for the rest of my life. That’s why after this year, I’m going to quit my research lab. I don’t want to do it during the summer anymore, and I don’t want to do it during the year. It would be an easy position and may look good on my medical school applications, but I would be doing it for all the wrong reasons. I would continue torturing myself because it was easy and I was good at it. And it’s true. Research is easy and over the years, I became really good at it. But I’m tired of doing things because they’re easy. I want to do it because I like it.

I also want to go abroad. The only time I get a chance to study abroad is during college. I want to experience other parts of the world mainly because I don’t know anything about them. When I was little, I used to fear the unknown. Now I embrace it. I’m not afraid to venture into something I know zero things about. Going abroad might help me figure out my life, give me some direction, or it will be ridiculously fun. Or all three.

So here’s the plan:

Study abroad this summer, this fall, next summer.

Take MCAT/apply for med school next spring.

Get into med school senior year.

Discover myself.

Let’s hope it works out.