Disclaimer: this is a fucking sad post.
I just had the biggest fight in the world with my mom. And I am actually ashamed to call her my mother. I had applied for many internships this summer and right afterwards I got an offer with the internship I had last summer. I had to make a decision in 24 hours. I accepted this position. Then, a couple weeks later, I found out I didn’t get into a lot of the internships I had applied to. It was fine. It was actually great. I didn’t get into those internships anyway, so I was right in accepting my position in Philadelphia. Then, I started getting emails from this lab in Germany. I had always wanted an internship abroad. That was actually my first choice. But I decided, hey making $20 an hour for the summer wouldn’t be so bad. The only problem is I think I have a real shot at this internship in Germany. Who cares where it is? It’s Germany it’s totally different from the United States. Sounds like an opportunity to jump at right? I haven’t gotten it yet, but I have a good idea that I will get it. And yes, I won’t be making a lot of money at this internship, but I may be able to do both this one and the Philadelphia internship. Especially if I can get the Germany lab to pay for my flight there and back. I’d basically be able to live in Germany for 2 months for free. I won’t be making money, but I won’t be spending it. Or at least I’ll be spending very little of it.
I let my mother know of the good news. The first thing that comes out of her wretched twisted mouth is a complaint that I know zero things about this place. I don’t know who lives there, if there’s summer housing, how to live in a foreign country, etc. I told her that I haven’t gotten the internship yet but I will start doing research on the place. I told her last Friday that I had a good chance of getting the internship and that I’ve been researching information on the place. It’s been 2 days. 48 hours. And she already scolds me for not looking up information before I applied. She complains about me procrastinating on this, on everything I do in life. Yes, I failed a physics test. It was my fault, I’ll admit it. I didn’t study. Why? I hate physics. I hate physics with all my heart and soul. But, I’m trying to turn my life around. I’m doing my homework. I’m going to restudy the previous test so that I will be prepared for the final. My mother is just unreasonable and she never listens to anything I ever say. Ever. Once she has a point to get across, she doesn’t let it go. We argued for a long time. I got mad. She got mad. I swore at her. She got even more mad. I told her that I’d rather she not be in my life. I told her to not come visit me next week. I told her that in my life, I will make many mistakes, but I’d rather go through life making those mistakes than having her in it. She told me it was my decision. She hung up.
How come everytime we argue, I’m the only one that ends up crying? How come I’m the only one that’s upset? I have never felt more alone than I am now in the world. I don’t know if I can come back from this. I put on a John Mayer Pandora playlist to ease the pain. There’s just something about John Mayer, Jason Mraz, and other various artists that soothes me. They also make me emotional. I don’t know. It’s a paradox but I love it. Talking about love, you know when they say that mother’s unconditionally love their children. All their children? Complete bullshit. I have listened to my mother complain about my sister. ALL THE TIME. It’s always “your sister and I got into a fight.” then 1 day later, “your sister and I are going out to dinner.” then it’s “I can’t live with your sister”. Then it’s “oh we’re spending the day together because she doesn’t have work”. My conversations with her always cover a variety of topics including: 1) my weight. overfuckingweight I am. 2) my skin. how incredibly ugly my skin is. 3) procrastination. how fucking failure I am of a student and that I love procrastination. I procrastinate in every aspect of my life. I can never catch a break can I? Well, I know that I’m overweight. No I actually am. I learned in nutrition. I’m actually overweight. It’s okay though. I’m working on it. Slowly. That’s the hardest thing I have in my life because I’ve never had to work on my weight. Thanks to swimming, it’s always just been in check. Since quitting swimming, I’ve been slowly gaining weight. I’m trying to lose it though. I’m trying to lose it the right way though. Not the sickly Yvonne Woo way. And I’m improving my skin. I bought topical steroids that will help clear it up. It’s already been working and I’ve only had it for a week. I do procrastinate. I admit it. I failed my physics test because of it. Procrastination is a habit that is incredibly hard to break. And I’ve been trying my best to cure it. Well, no I haven’t. But after I failed my physics test, I’m going to cure it. I have to. Or else I won’t survive life. I won’t be successful and we just can’t have that.
So here I am. Sitting alone in my room. I wish Jen didn’t have to see me like that. All distraught and vulnerable. What am I going to do with my life? I’m basically alone. I have very little money. And I still have 2 years of college left. Not to mention all of medical school. No one is going to pay for my medical school. So what should I do? You know how people say that they work really hard so that their children can have a better life than they had? It’s funny because my mom did that same thing. And i had a pretty good childhood. Minus the whole no father thing. But I didn’t think I lacked anything. I wasn’t rich. I was far from rich. And now I am very far from rich. But I felt like my childhood was successful. And now this. I am on my own. To fend for myself in the world. So I ask you again, what am I going to do? The definition of successfulness in this world is self-sustainability. So, if I can survive in this world, then I am successful. You know what’s funny? The thing I’m worried about the most is my taxes. How am I going to do my taxes? I don’t even know how to do taxes/FAFSA/any financial aid stuff. I should have learned. I guess I’ll learn the hard way. But I’ll get through it. One way or another. I’ll make it out alive. Or at least I hope I will. And if I don’t, well at least I put up one hell of a fight. And believe me I’m not going down without a fight.
With or without my mother or family, I will survive. And I will be successful. Because honestly, that’s the only path I have. I have to swim. Because I can’t sink. It’s not an option.
If you got to the end, I commend you. Thanks for sticking by my side.
