I don’t know why I feel the way I do. I think the way I feel is more frustrating than the situation at hand. I’m not exactly sure what has caused this feeling of such intensity, and I don’t know how to get rid of it. But I’m hoping that this is one way that I can rid this problem of my soul. And, for the time being, compose myself for my physics exam tomorrow night. I’ve been thinking about him for about a week and a half now. I’ve only met him twice. Maybe spent around 3 hours with him…total. And yet, I’m intensely attracted to him. He is the epitome of as perfect as perfect can be in this fucked up world. And he likes me too. Probably with less intensity. But it doesn’t matter because he likes me. And likes to talk to me. And it was glorious.
He first came to visit because he is friends with one of my friends. I first met him after I had just been told by another guy friend that I really liked that he didn’t like me. So I was already pretty upset. But there he was. Just a normal guy. I didn’t think too much of him. Just one of Beth’s friends. No big. I wasn’t going to drink that night. I was just going to go to the party, and then go to sleep. Then I decided it would be okay to drink. And so I did. I didn’t drink enough to get drunk. I wasn’t even tipsy. But as the night wore on, I started to like Tyler more and more. He was funny. He was kinda cute. I could do with him. He goes to Alabama. So probably not that smart, but that’s fine with me. And then he left before we really got to know each other. Well, whatever, I thought. It wasn’t like there could be anything there anyway. Beth texted him later that night saying that I thought he was cute. He said he thought I was cute too. Great. At least one guy appreciates my looks.
I didn’t really think about him for a while. That encounter was back in February. I continue with my classes, my life goes on. I forget about tyler. I focus on the other drama in my life. I had finally gotten over Denny. It took me a year, but I finally did it. I don’t care what Denny does, who he does, and what he does with whoever he does. It’s his business and I could care less. I really could. My birthday rolls around. I have 2 exams the next day so I’m “studying” for them and Beth walks in the room saying that Tyler is going to friend me on facebook to wish me a happy birthday. Oh! Okay. This is kind of exciting because I recall our last experience together. It was pleasant.
He friends me. I accept. He chats me saying “happy birthday!”. I politely respond “thanks!”. We talked. for a while that night. It was nice. He was nice. I stalked him naturally. I couldn’t remember exactly what he looked like because I had only seen him once and…well I forgot. And Beth said he takes bad pictures. I trusted Beth. He asked for my number. I gave it to him. Apparently, he was going to visit that coming Friday. Exciting! So we texted for the next couple of days. And then he comes. I survey him and I find myself a lot more attracted to him than before. He’s funny, yes. He’s cute, yes. But he’s just the nicest boy in the world. He’s so nice. We hang out in a group, and its fine. I get really drunk, he has mono so I can’t make out with him but that’s fine. Then he has to go home, so we hug goodbye. Then I went to the party with my friends. A weird feeling came over me that night. For some reason, I didn’t want to dance or hookup with anyone at the party. I just wanted to continue talking to Tyler. Just to be around him. I think I might have actually liked him.
We talked a lot over the next couple of days. And then we kind of stopped talking so much, but that was because I was studying for finals and he was studying/sleeping/watching a LOT of movies. And I kind of ran out of things to say. He likes whisky and light beer. I like rum and dark beer. We’re complete opposites but I can’t help but like him. And I know he likes me too. The only problem is distance. He has had many long distance relationships before so another one would not be advisable. I know it would be hard, but I’m willing to do it with him I like him that much. We were all going to go to the beach for a couple days. Then, if something happened there, then we could talk about a relationship. I was waiting for the beach. It was in 2 weeks. I could do it.
Then, mini-disaster struck. His fishing trip was later than we thought, and so he may have to stay in Alabama for the entirety that I’m here. Which would mean no beach. But he would ask his parents. Maybe there’s still hope. Maybe he can convince his parents to let him come home for 8 days. Then we could be together alone for once. I was hopeful. I continued to talk to him normally.
Then real disaster struck. No an actual natural disaster. An F5 tornado blazed right through Tuscaloosa, Alabama, basically wiping out the entire city’s infrastructure and killing hundreds of people. Luckily, he was fine, and didn’t get hurt. But I think it hurt him really badly. Bethy says he gets really emotional about these types of things. Another reason why I like him. He has feelings as opposed to most boys.
Since the tornado, we haven’t talked that much if at all. I tried to cheer him up by talking about something else, but to no avail. All he wants to talk about is the tornado if at all. I haven’t texted him today and he never texted me either. I think he’s under a lot of emotional stress right now. He feels really connected to his community and is helping with relief efforts. Which is expected. But it’s also sad because we won’t be able to go to the beach now. For sure. It’s kind of painful because our chance kind of got knocked out of the way because of a fucking tornado. Really mother nature? You really want to bring me down huh? Kill every chance I get of ever having a relationship. I don’t know. Maybe she did me a favor. Long distance is hard. But we would only have to do it for a year. He’s planning on graduating early. A year isn’t too long. I would be willing to go visit him every break I got. But maybe she’s right. Maybe this was a bad idea anyway. A relationship shouldn’t be started long distance.
And so, with this post, I’m kind of letting him go. I still like him. And I will still talk to him occasionally. I’m trying to leave him alone right now because of his tornado situation. I understand that he’s an emotional wreck right now and just wants to help clean up his hometown. So I will give him time to do that. Maybe we’ll see in the future. At the end of the summer (if I come back early), next year, whenever it may be. I have to believe that the reason why I already feel so strongly about him is because maybe there is a future for us. I’m not entirely sure when, but I have to believe that we can try to be together in the future. Maybe when we’re in the same area. Who knows, we may not even work out, but I want to know that we tried. And I want to give it a good effort, and maybe starting things off long distance isn’t exactly the best start to a relationship. So he’s going in a tiny box in my heart. And every thought, every thing about him is going into that box. And I will try my best to ignore it. We can be friends. Being friends is the best beginning. I like him. He likes me. But we just can’t be together right now. Not under these circumstances. Danielle says to believe in fate. I believe in it. Maybe fate will bring us together someday. Maybe it won’t. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe mother nature was trying to tell me something. Maybe she was trying to save me from making a mistake by jumping into this too soon. I don’t distance to mess this up. I’m willing to wait. I’m just hoping his feelings toward me won’t change in the time being. But I think that it will work out the way it was supposed to work out. If we end up together, then wonderful. If not, then it just wasn’t meant to be. I guess we’ll find out eventually.
