It’s been almost 2 weeks since I last talked to Tyler. At first it was hard. I really cried every day of finals week and I think a big part of why my physics final ended so poorly was because of him. But I don’t blame him. He texted me during the final. I got it afterwards and it basically said that he couldn’t handle a relationship right now and that it wasn’t me it was him and that I was still beautiful yada yada yada. Basically, he needs time to sort his life out. I cried. A LOT. I cried a lot that night because 1) Physics was fucking hard. And 2) Tyler finally texted me. I kinda feel like it helped me move on because it was a definitive answer. All this time I had been held in limbo because he didn’t really talk to me since the tornado. Were we still going to try something? Were we not? Do you even like me still? What’s going on? I cried. I cried not because he didn’t like me. I cried because we couldn’t be together. I cried because we had come so close, and then for something so unexpected to happen and take it all away from me. All of it. It’s kind of ridiculous, like something out of a soap opera. Except there’s no happy ending. He goes and sorts his life out in Alabama while I go away to Philadelphia to…intern and study for the MCAT. Fucking great. This summer is gonna be one of the worst summers of my life. I’m thinking about coming back to Houston after my internship just because I can’t stand going home. I hate it. I want to be home for a total of maybe like 1 hour. Then I want to leave again. I think what upsets me the most is that Bethy told me that Tyler was basically going to start a relationship with me before the tornado hit. Really mother nature? You had to take that away from me? Why can’t you be happy with making other people happy? Huh? I guess it’s not just the tornado that caused the relationship to not happen, but at the same time, I still kind of wish the tornado didn’t fucking happen. It didn’t do anyone any good. I’m bitter against mother nature.
Anyway, I think about Tyler less and less now. Before it was all the time. Now it’s only when I’m bored. Or when I’m on facebook. It’s a lot easier to think about him. I don’t get as sad. I get a little sad but I am accepting of this situation. I mean, I’m hopeful for the future, but for right now, I’m in the acceptance stage. Who knows, maybe I’ll meet someone really really awesome in Philadelphia. I’m going to go see Christian again. Go do a little partying. I think he has a girlfriend from what I can deduce from my expert stalking skills. But I’m unsure. I guess I’ll find out. She’s a freshman. With a large face. Like too large for her body. It’s disproportioned. But whatever. If he’s happy, then I guess I’m happy for him. Christian was a nice boy, but I don’t see us getting back together any time soon. Maybe in the future. I wish I could predict the future. Man, life would be good then. But then maybe I wouldn’t want to know what the future held. It’s kind of what makes life, life. The unknown. It’s painful, but it’s also exciting. And new. And the reason why you keep living. I know I complain about the MCAT a lot and like med school (I really am afraid I won’t get into a med school…I got a C in physics for christ’s sake). But it’s exhilarating to know that I may or may not make it into med school. I mean it would completely suck if I didn’t get in, but I guess it’s not the end of the world. I really want to though. I wish I had photographic memory. That would be awesome. But I have a normal if not below average memory. Meh, oh well. I guess I gotta work that much harder in life. Which I think will be good for me. Working hard means the reward is worth that much more to you.
I’m pretty bad at keeping in touch with people I don’t really care for. So I probably won’t keep in touch with Tyler as much as I would have if we were involved or something. But maybe every once in a while. Just to remind him that I exist. And I’m sure he’ll come visit too. It’ll be hard at first, but it will get easier. I still feel something every time anyone mentions his name. It’s not pain. It’s not happiness. It’s just a feeling, something in my heart. Kind of like a tug. But I’m not sad. I’m upset at the situation, but I’m not sad. Not anymore at least. I can’t be sad because life can’t wait for someone until a year from now. Life happens now and you just gotta go with it. Or else you get stuck. Stuck in a timeless bubble that I’m not really sure I know how to get out of. Why risk it if you don’t have to? Just move on Krystal. Just move on.
