Do you ever get the feeling that life is one big practical joke? I definitely do. A LOT. I read old blogs and I laugh at how I thought my life was complicated then, and now it’s so much more complicated. But I guess that is life. I will probably look at this post in a couple months and be like “meh, that wasn’t that bad”. I wish I knew my future but at the same time, I don’t. I wish I knew it would all work out in the end, but I don’t know. Perhaps I should back track a little bit.
Chad and I broke up a week and a half ago. September 20, 2011 to be exact. He couldn’t handle the distance. It’s understandable but I’m still so frustrated with him. I’m so mad at him for doing this to me but at the same time, I understand. I don’t know what to do with him. I think about him so much and I know he thinks about me too. It’s the most unfortunate situation ever. And I just don’t know if I can bear it. I put up a good front, but really, I’m hurting. I’m hurting a lot. I listen to sad songs (by choice) because I want to think about him and feel sad. I’m THAT depressed. Well, I wouldn’t say depressed, but I’m definitely sad. It just was so sudden. He came to visit one week and then the following Tuesday he thought we shouldn’t be together anymore. Then tonight he got really drunk and then started texting me all of these things. And I thought I could handle it, but I really can’t. I’m really not strong enough for this. He wanted to skype me tonight and I couldn’t do it. I knew I would just start crying if we skyped. So instead, I said he was too drunk to talk and then he probably threw up and passed out. And he will wake up tomorrow morning and probably forget we even talked tonight. Why does it take him to be so incredibly fucked up in order to say the things he’s feeling to me? Why does he have to act like this? It’s not fair what he’s doing to me. Sometimes I wish he would just tell me he doesn’t like me and then that was it. It’s way easier to burn bridges with your exes then to attempt to mend them. Which leads me to my next topic: Denny.
Denny and I rebuilt our friendship. We were good this summer. We were amicable. Which is very hard to do from the fucked up relationship we had. So earlier this week we ate dinner together, and he told me had NOT hooked up with anyone this year. Not a single girl. And he told me him and his ex-girlfriend Abby were over. There was no way he was going to get back with her. Then I learn from two separate sources that he has actually been hooking up with a lot of girls. AND him and Abby are definitely NOT over. It’s fine that he’s been hooking up with a bunch of girls or that him and Abby are still trying (even though I personally hate the bitch), I just wish he didn’t lie to me like the little bitch that he is. I cannot believe that I actually believed that he had changed. Why do I fool myself into believing the best in people? Which brings me to my next topic: Avery.
Avery Avery Avery. He is the epitome of douchebag/asshole. I honestly have no idea why I put up with his bullshit. I thought I could change him and make him an actually decent person. So wrong. He hates Rice, he hates the institution, he loves fraternities. Well if you fuckin love fraternities so much, the get the fuck out of Rice. We don’t want you here anyway. Leave. JUST FUCKIN LEAVE ALREADY. I can’t stand him anymore. He has become the most unattractive ugly person I have ever met. He’s ugly in every way, looks, personality, etc. I’m seriously considering burning this bridge. Better get out while I still can.
Then there’s John. John is so sweet. He’s such a nice guy and I really like him. But him and I aren’t really in the right time in our life to get into a relationship. Even though that’s basically what we’re doing. We’re dating without actually calling it dating. It’s weird. And I’m still in love with Chad. I like hanging out with John and stuff, but I don’t know. There’s not the same lust and raw passion as I had with Chad. There’s something that so compelling about Chad that I really cannot say the same with John. I don’t know if I should continue things with John or just…I don’t know. There’s also this really attractive Jewish freshman named Ben. Hot damn. Those damn Jews. I’m so fuckin attracted to them it’s ridiculous. Ben I want to get to know you. Hello hottie. And he’s from New York (well Boston, but still…I’m still a fan of anyone who loves the East Coast). I hope to get to know him better. And he’s older than me (even though he’s a freshman)…cougar status! Have to wait until pumpkin grades though. I can do that. It’s only in like a week.
4 boys. 4 issues. Already cut of one, about to cut off another. Just leaves Chad and John. What do I do with them? Peace the fuck outta here and fuckin study in Edinburgh for a semester. Whattup study abroad. I can’t believe that I can actually do it. It’s still very surprising and novel. Stay tuned for more study abroad deets.
Aite it’s 4:24 AM and it’s time to sleep yo. Peace bitches.
