Hi there,
So it’s the end of November, almost December and I can’t say that my life has become any different. I promised updates on my life, so this may be a long post. Depends on how tired I get (It’s 12:55 AM!).
I will first update on study abroad. I got into my program in Edinburgh. I was so excited and then I got a phone call from my mother one day and she told me that she didn’t want me to study abroad. I was devastated. I cried for a very long time. I could not believe her. And then, when all the emotions settled, I did believe her. The opportunities that I can potentially have at Rice outnumber the opportunities I could have in Edinburgh. And while going abroad is an experience I will truly miss, I can’t say that I will pick being in a foreign country over my future career. If I want to go abroad, I will find a way to make it happen. One way or another. Until then, I must focus on my MCAT and med school applications and whatnots. It’s going to be a tough second semester; really a tough 2012 until around July when I’m done applying everywhere. I really hope I can get into med school. That would be so spectacular.
Okay now for the real reason I came to blog: John. Oh John. I fear writing his last name because what if he googles his name and finds this post! Plus it would be creepy to put his first and last name. Anyway, here’s the story with John. He was my screwdate this year (Junior Year) and we just clicked the instant we met. I flirted with him way too much over dinner and at Chocolate Bar. It was actually kind of ridiculous. I liked him so much as soon as I met him. Which was a bittersweet moment because I was still in a relationship with Chad. It didn’t help that buy the end of the night, I had to tell John that I had a boyfriend; I almost didn’t want to tell him. But then Chad came that week to visit and it was all hunkydory. But then Chad and I broke up the following Tuesday. So then John and I started talking a lot more. And…I guess there’s that feeling when you meet someone new and you’re fascinated by them. Because I’m pretty sure John and I were fascinated by each other. I remember thinking about him all the time and being really eager to meet him again.
We kind of fell into this routine where we would find time to hang out almost every night. We would hookup, sure, but I think I was more intrigued about him rather than just hooking up. It was like we were in a relationship, without calling it a relationship. It was all the benefits of a relationship without any responsibilities. The question is, who is benefitting more from it? And who is sacrificing more? Because in life, it’s never fair. Nothing is ever split evenly, so why should a relationship be any different? I’ve spent the last 2 months going back and forth with the notion that I’m losing in this relationship. At one end of the spectrum, I’m fighting an uphill battle to win John. I keep wanting to be in a relationship with him and hoping that one day, he will want to be in one with me as well. I’ve noticed in the last 2 months, however, that I really don’t think that will ever happen. It is incredibly difficult to tie down a senior boy in college. It’s their last year to roam free and do whatever they want, hookup with whomever, and get away with it. If I was a senior boy, why would I want to be tied down by a girl? He always says things like “Let’s just have fun” and “As long as we’re still having fun”. I don’t know if I want to just “have fun” anymore. In our case, he doesn’t have any real responsibilities as a boyfriend to really care about me. If he wants to, he’ll take me out on a date. If he wants to, he’ll come over and hang out with me. But I don’t want someone that can use me as they please. If he wants fun, he can get it because he knows it will always be there, waiting for him. I don’t want to be that person that’s always waiting for him. I want him to have to work for it. I want him to care. I want him to care for me as much as I care for him. And to be honest, I really don’t think that day will come. John and I work really well together, but is that enough? Things are easy with him, but I don’t know if that’s enough to make me stay. I think I like the idea of having a relationship with someone, not necessarily with John.
I care about John, I really do. I just wonder if he cares about me in the same way, with the same intensity. And if not, is it worth it to stay? Or should I muster up the strength to walk away? Am I upset enough with our relationship that I should rock the boat?
With uncertainties in my mind,
Kreetal Gel
